shock

words cannot express the shock i am in right now.

a dear friend passed away today.

this dear friend left this world too soon. overdose.

i can’t wrap my head around this at all.

this guy… was not part of the drug scene at all.

i do not remember him like this, or know him like this.

sure, we all have our secrets, we have our pain, and sadness that we hide away from the world. but fuck… i can’t believe he’s gone. i can’t believe he wont be around in our hometown years from now on the holidays… cracking a joke or giving out gigantic hugs at the grocery store.

i dont believe it.

this guy was awesome. he was nice to everyone. everything. he had a heart of gold. i have known him for 25 years.

he was my first crush. i told my parents when i was in kindergarten that i was going to marry him. i signed my name with his last name a bazillion times. he was the guy who at all the school dances, would dance with all of the girls… so that no one was left out. he didn’t care if the girls were unpopular or “fat/ugly” as determined by other guys at school. he was just kind to everyone.

not going to get much sleep tonight.

it’s as if everybody is pointing and laughing at me because i fell for the biggest prank of all.

 

 bahi dont know what im doing anymore. fucking hate everything about my life.

im a loser, and an embarrassment. my future mom in law and dad in law (no… doubt it) went out for a thanksgiving dinner at her sisters place… the lady who we babysat the birds and rabbit for. my fiance was wondering why were weren’t invited and the mom said she didnt want to get into it now, and it turns out, she doesnt want to deal with everyone’s questions about what i am up to or why her son is older than 30yrs and still working on school shit. shes embarrassed by us. we’re her dirty little secret.but, don’t worry, we will make sure her fucking prrissy perfect driveway is shoveled and snow-free for the winter! we will eat all her fucking brown food and tell her it’s gourmet!

im so sick of trying and getting no where.
i have applied to 37 jobs since my school idea blew up in my face.

we got into another big fight tonight. we have 400 bucks left and bills to pay. we will lose the car, and all that jazz. he says he will drop out of school to work, and that if so, him and i are done. there’s enough resentment already in our relationship. i dont want to be the reason his school (THAT HE’S SO CLOSE TO BEING FUCKING DONE!) fucks up. why the fuck cant i get work? why doesn’t anyone like me??

i hate my life and i have nothing going on. i have so many accomplishments and nothing has come of them. what the hell is the point when you work hard, get into ridiculous debt, and miss out on so many things??? im so tired of being seen as lazy. im not lazy. i hate going through every fucking little flaw about myself in an effort of trying to pinpoint WHY i dont get hired. is it my ugly acne face? my height? my vagina? what the fuck.

im so tired of his parents helping out his sister.. the teenage mother fuck up. the one who was on drugs. lazy slob. can’t care for her own kids. flops around the fence. they give her SO MUCH. is that the secret to getting noticed in this family? do i need to get knocked the fuck up? do they not get how ridiculous that would be? we can’t even feed ourselves. why would i jeopardize ANY chance of getting a job with a pregnancy?

I hate how he brags that he can hand out resumes and get a job within 6 days. he keeps comparing that to me and my job hunt. it’s not fucking fair.

i don’t know where to go from here. i really dont.

i just want to be in the city… the one we have been trying to get to for a long time now. i know i need to hit the pavement, and if i LIVE in the place… they will hire me before the stupid idiot chick applying from this shitty town i am in now.

even if i get a call that i have an interview/job in the city, we wont get out there. 400 bucks doesnt cover 1st and last rent, a moving truck, a couch, etc. i hate how i sound like a complainer. that’s all his parents see us doing. yet, when they were our age.. they already had their house paid off and all that shit. they had jobs. good ones. its not fucking fair. they also got lots of help from their parents. like, every bday $1000…. xmas… $5000….. my fiance’s bday present this year? a hoody that he doesn’t need, doesnt fit him… but ohhh hahah look at it, it’s cute and funny! (they are well off, like…. the dad has $100 000 kicking around to start a business idea in HK to buy a business here or something like that).

last year i applied to 74 jobs. this year, i am at 167 jobs. what the fuck

i just hate feeling like this. and if you know me….you know how i love to fix things. i solve problems. i jump in and take action. right now, i have nothing. i have no tools to fix anything, no resources to call on. no self-esteem to believe in myself.

my biggest regret right now is school. i shouldn’t have ever gone there. what a fucking waste it has been. waste of money. waste of time. waste of falling in love and building a great relationship.. only to realize it’s not strong enough to deal with the disappointment that follows me everywhere.

im the most unhappy miserable sack of shit right now. no one ever tells you how MUCH being unemployed fucks up your mental health. how far you go into depression. especially when you’re a long-term unemployed loser with 5 years of education that was supposed to get you something great.

it’s as if everybody is pointing and laughing at me because i fell for the biggest prank of all… believing in university education and a chance at a bettering my life and those around me.
jokes on me.

i forget what it feels like to get good news, or have something actually turn out great for me. and that’s pathetic.

with this all, i GET why people get into prostitution. Hell i just applied to a job ad for naked models.. and i dont have the hottest body, but it’s for “art”… wish me luck that it’s legit and not a whore house.. haha.  I GET why people sell drugs.  i get why people STEAL… and pawn shit. i get it. i also get why people kill themselves. i really do.

that’s what im thinking right now. but, no worries, i wont do it. but.. man. itd be nice not to wake up tomorrow. i have nothing going on. im a waste. how do i explain this all? what have i been up to?

1. applying for jobs.
2. lots of jobs.
3. watching movies.
4. getting angry at wasting time.
5. ignoring my friends.
6. blogging.
7. fighting.
8. crying.
9. crying more.
10. screaming.
11. throwing things.
12. hoping the phone will ring.
13. glaring at phone when it doesnt ring.
14. writing a bazzilion different cover letters.
15. drafting up at least 28 versions of my resume (general ones… and working from there).
16. following up with applications.
17. debating what “no phone calls means”…losing the debate and flustering through my phone call follow up.
18. brainstorming every thing wrong with my body.
19. hating my face.
20. picking at the zits to rid them of their nastiness.
21. regret… lots of regret.
22. completing every consumer survey i can and using the opportunity to tell it like it is (my life is “it”..fyi)
23. hoping i get hit by a car while in the car
24. hoping i get hit by a car while in the house
25. hoping i win the lottery.
26. for a faint moment…believe that it’s actually possible.
27. hate myself when i dont win.
28. hate myself because i can’t speak french according to the proficiency test guidelines.
29. get angry at the world.
30. avoid it.
31. get melancholy and blue.
32. feel artsy.
33. put artsy shit away….(guilt…. unemployed job seeking people cannot have free time outside of looking for work).
34. try and pawn things.
35. realize no one wants to buy my shit because no one has money
36. get blood boilingly angry at those who cheat the welfare system….while others struggle to pay bills who will work ASAP
37. realize i need fucking help…but no idea what that help looks like (a mental ward? drugs? money? a bullet in the chamber?)
38. waking up everyday feeling more hopeless than i did before i went to bed feeling hopeless…
39. wishing death upon the green eyed monster……how dare my friends live better, stable, more put-together lives than me (same friends who were jealous that i was going away to school and that WOW im going get such a great career……)
40. cry over my heartbreak and grieve my dad’s absence….(if he could only talk to me for just a second and give me a hug..)
41. seriously WISH and hope that someone who knows me… reads this… and helps me out anonymously. yah, so fuck. i admit.. money will change whats happening right now. how is my situation or need any different than others who have gotten help in the past? or others who have “gotten their inheritance early because their situation was dire…”.

 

 

the week that has been

soo.

how things can go from bad to worse to ridiculous.

Soo yahhhh this weekend was rough… saturday was the 2 year anniversary of my dad’s death. 

it was also the day that my fiance found out he cannot get anymore osap. at all. he has both a full-time and part-time loan. he’s maxed out the part-time loan amounts, so he switched to full-time status to get the full-time loan. when you’re on part-time you have to pay your full-time loan.. so… yes, makes no sense.. let’s get a part-time osap loan and pay off my full-time osap payments. who does that!!??

 

anyway, so he cannot get any full-time loan and we were sort of factoring that into our future outlook. 

 

i had no words of anything to say to him about that… osap sucks another dream. my fiance isn’t sure what to do. he tried to talk to his mom, who didn’t give a shit and went on a tangent of everything she’s buying his sister at the grocery store.. yet… she’s TOTALLY BROKE… ??? what the fuck right?

 

ANYWAY. longish story sort of short (i dont think that’s possible in my realm of abilities)…. :

1. my fiance needed my support on saturday and i needed his.

2. he was angry at me for being so… silent about the osap matter… i really didnt have any words.. because i have no idea what the fuck to do about it.

3. i was angry at him because i woke up to him bitching about osap… i waited all day for a hug or a shoulder to cry on.. i needed to. that anniversary death day is HARD.

 

i had planned on going out that night, to get out and have a treat or a movie or something. my fiance had a nap until 9pm that night… i was so pissed and lonely. i felt abandoned.  my mom thought i would go up north and see her and have dinner with all of them. i told her i’d try which means in my language… a definitely no maybe. closer to dinner time i regretted it… i knew if i had gone i wouldnt have been so damn lonely.

 

but, thats not the shitty part of the day. we did end up going out, had a quick bite to eat and caught a movie. we came home and that’s when it happened. the fight of all fights. the one where i threw the engagement ring and my fiance said to pack up cuz he’s taking me home in the morning. aka… DONE-ZO.

 

so yah, my little heart was so broken. i was already exhausted from crying about my dad… to the point where my fiance got pissed because i was still not saying what he wanted me to say about osap (not a mind reader)… so he slept on the couch. HE’S NEVER done that to me before,and of all nights to do it. i was broken. lying on the floor sobbing my face off. he couldn’t deal with that so, that’s when he’s like pack your bags. 

 

i did. i packed them all.. while crying. we went to bed around 4:30am. him on the couch, me lonely and cold in the bed. 

 

i continued packing in the morning and he decided to announce that he was going out because he couldnt watch me pack because he was going to sick. i lost it there… and started bawling.. AGAIN. we had a good cry together. he has no idea how to deal with me grieving. he says i am like this every day.. but i’m not.. he doesnt get that anniversaries of death or the birthdays are fucking hard. grief comes in waves.. there’s no rule as to how long one should grieve for./. or what is normal. it’s different for everyone. i know i am in a better place than i was…. but with everything else going on…. me feeling like an employed loser, osap not working out for the school idea for me or for my fiance, the fight the day before, the feeling of loneliness.. it made that day SO MUCH WORSE.

 

my fiance was feeling like i wasn’t with him on the future plans. by being silent and saying i dont know… he took that to mean i didnt care anymore… which is so not true. i care.. and im exhausted. all i want is for our life to change… to get out of here and to be better at ourselves and as an us.

 

so yah, this weekend. pure shit. and we were exhausted. oh my gawd. crying takes it out of you. it was like i ran a marathon. twice. i went to bed at 9pm last nite (rare as i usually go to bed in the wee hours). 

 

we dont want to walk away from this relationship. we both need to change… i need to get counselling. i expect my fiance to know when i need emotional support with this grieving stuff, even when i know he doesn’t get it.. and i dont mean to, but i get angry at his lack of experience in that. i dont wish what i went through on anyone. it just sucks when your sig other doesn’t get it and they come off as cruel, distant or dismissive.. when they don’t realize it. it’s stupid.

 

 

anyway, so that was that. i unpacked some stuff (in my mind we are still moving out of here asap). 

 

i found a wicked job opportunity with a company that i have experience with. my aunt (the one who has been very judgmental about all of my decisions) is the manager/director of the thing i’d be an admin assistant too. the job is in the city we want to move to (WHAT ARE THE FUCKING CHANCES????)

 

so… yah. the shitty thing is that my aunt who could vouch for me for this job said “we’d talk about it at dinner”…thinking that i was going to be there at my mom’s.  so yet again, im a no-show for some family event, and i need my aunt’s advice on this job matter. i emailed her yesterday asking if she wanted to chat on the phone today…. she emailed me back “i’m around tomorrow”. that’s it. i fucking hate 1 liner emails.. they make me feel scared.

 

i called and left a message. no idea if she’s screening the call or what.

anyway. i want to talk to her before everyone comes home from work. it will be a hard conversation. my mom just told me that she talked to my aunt about how hurt i was and all that. my mom didnt realize how much i was hurt by it, and how i still carry that hurt. so she got angry like a momma bear. my aunt has said she wants to move past this and move on. to drop it and forget/forgive. i want to too. i miss her.

 

she just has to understand that i am a completely different person now. that experience of caring for my parents and watching my dad die… and saying goodbye… it’s made me so much more sensitive. i was always a bottler. i’d bottle up every emotion i had. i didn’t cry on a friend’s shoulder until 5 months after my dad was diagnosed (friends i have had for over 20+ years). i didnt break down during that experience until hours before my dad passed away. i threw stuff outside and i was so exhausted at a little question from my sister. i snapped at her and screamed and bawled.. i hit my limit. that’s what happens when people refer to you as superwoman.. it gets to your head! so her natural personality of being snippy and cold…. it hurts. it doesn’t brush off like it did before i found out my parents were sick. i was invincible then. nothing could break me. i could take her criticisms, and give them back. now… i’m a broken spirit. still trying to mend my mental health, and emotional strength.

 

so there. i called 20 minutes ago and no call yet..

starting to get worried….

 

 

 

selfwork workself

so…

instead of focusing on what today could have been first day of class 😦    im choosing to focus on it being a new day for new ideas.

however, i have none.

my fiance and i talked and talked and talked. i cried, and cried and cried. we did have a good heart to heart. we are both angry. we are both miserable. fed up. we want to give each other everything, but we stand in the way of each other’s everything (wrap your head around that philosophy).

i want to work, i want a job… i want income and i want to use what i worked so hard to get (school). i want my fiance to finish his degree. i want to be happy. to make that happen, i am willing to take a job anywhere (would have to pay well and relocate me). this summer i was depressed and upset. lonely. i saw my plan b of school becoming more impossible by the day. i thought i was doing good things, my eye on the prize of changing our situation for the better.

he wants to finish his degree. he sees my long-term unemployment as a problem. the contracts i work online are not work, they are just keeping me from finding a real job. he worked a shitty job this summer, and i need to get off my high horse and work a shitty job anywhere. because plan a (job in the city), and plan b (school) didn’t work and here we are in sept not in the city, i am now holding my fiance back from his dreams of school. he says he was left out of the whole plan A and B and that he didn’t know what i was up to all summer.

the issues here are clear:

1. i’m depressed

2. i’m sensitive and i have taken his cruel words to heart, so i’ve got my guard up. not cool after i’ve already been on the edge of anxiety after my dad passed away

3. he needs to make more time for me to support me emotionally (i tried to share everything with him this summer, but i was cut off because he was too tired, or he just wanted to relax)

4. we both want to make each other happy

5. i dont want the last 3 years (him working on his master’s) to be a waste… so i need to give him a year and work anywhere.. so that all of this hasn’t been a waste.

the last point is so very true. i didn’t see it like this. i kept seeing the waste being the entire relationship.. that i didn’t want to face someone who resented me or was disappointed in me that i couldn’t give them everything. i thought my only option was to leave. 

i dont want to. these 7 years are worth fighting for. so, now it’s operation FIND A JOB in the city. and move.

get out there. take a risk. and do it.

so that’s the plan.

anyone have any contacts in eastern ontario…. hook an unemployed determined chick up!

 

shot with words

1. “YOU WANNA KNOW WHY I SNAP AT YOU ALL THE TIME? CUZ YOU DESERVE IT! YOU’RE THE REASON WE ARE STILL HERE!” 

that hurt. a lot. i dont deserve it. this house is poison and brought a lot of issues forward that my fiance had growing up. this environment is stressful, unemployment is stressful. it’s not like i have tried to find work. if we had stayed in the city we were, i could have worked for a year.. maybe we’d be happier.. maybe we’d have enough money/experience to move and get hired in the city we want to be in. moving here was a mistake, and that’s something we could not have predicted. we had high hopes and optimism. i researched the city for over a year before we moved here… i kept notes on all of the jobs i could apply to with my education to get a taste for what itd be like and what they were looking for. i move here prepared… and probably naive. we both were. he talked soo highly of me and my accomplishments. SO very highly. he would brag about me. that’s changed. he realizes that the economy is shit and education doesnt mean anything when you’re one of a million.

2. “you changed after your dad died, and you know what  i don’t like the person you are now”

sorry, but i can’t change back to who i was before my dad died. of course losing a parent would change me, that summer was not easy. he will never understand this. he doesn’t love his parents like i love mine. he’s not close to them at all. he doesn’t know what its like to watch them get sick and fear that they wont make it. he doesnt know what its like to stand and make it through 1 line of your dad’s eulogy and start crying to the point where someone else has to read it for you.  he has changed to.. this house has brought out the worst in him. he is cruel to both me and his mother, and it’s not fair. we are both different.. and we have to accept that people change with experiences and environments. all of these words he has said to me have made me shut down. i feel worthless.. like i fail before i try. i was already in a sad dark place after my dad died, and i was very uncomfortable when we moved here. so these words that have been said have not helped me at all. help me build my confidence up, get excited with me, listen to me, pretend to care about what i am interested in the same way i respect and help you with your school stuff!

3. “ending a fight saying u will move back to your moms is a cop out”

yes, i know, i dont mean it. i just have nothing else to say.. and i dont get the chance to say everything before getting interrupted with something like, “oh so i’m a bad guy”. i hate that. that makes you not hear me. and makes me just shut the fuck up.. why bother sharing if you’re hearing it one way? i impulsively go there because im done with just hearing you say everything that pisses you off and i dont get a say

 

4. “i work in poop all day… and i have 2 degrees and im working on my master’s degree.. you think im happy? how do you think i feeel when you can’t get a job at tim hortens because it will depress you???”

congrats, you have an education and a job. i have an education too. i have finished mine.. and have gotten no where. i have been laughed at when trying to get an entry level job. imagine that when you’re already feeling like a worthless twat? this relationship isnt a pissing contest. why are we competing for who is the better person? that’s not fair or healthy. if it’s come to that and that’s how you feel to prove that you’re better than me.. then, why should i stay here and take that? do you think that’s healthy and a way to motivate me to take a job that i could have gotten if i was a high school drop out? minimum wage will not pay my 600/month student loan payments. nor will it pay for car payments, living, etc. do you think i am happy working online right now? i’m not. i’m lucky that i even found a job. 

5. ” you’ve sat on your ass for 17 months doing nothing!”

no i have not. i’ve had at least 10 interviews. applied to over 230 jobs. i’ve editted at least 11 of your papers (long history papers that go way over my head). i have helped around this house (you were not the only one to paint the house, deck, gazebo, pile wood, shovel snow, cook meals, do dishes, etc). i cleaned my old house and helped my mother move to a new place. since this past may i have worked 14 contracts. i had that one job out in the real world for 2 days…but i quit that (with your blessing). i tried very hard to go back to school (again with your blessing, you said you wanted to see me happy). i had that other job too online in february.. it didnt last that long.. and that’s normal for many of the people they hire. i tried to get back into painting (sorry, i see you practice your hobby of guitar.. so why should i feel guilty about getting back to a passion of mine? oh wait.. i packed up all my art stuff already). i’m trying to heal my grieving heart. i do all of our taxes (get them all organized to send away to the accountant). i help you figure out school forms. i make you lunch every morning (usually… sometimes on a few hours of sleep, and i stay up all day.. because sometimes i like to punish myself because like you said, i’m the reason we are here). i have contemplated suicide, as a way out, but no worries, i’m too chicken shit to do it.

6. “you’re holding me back, what am i supposed to do, my master’s degree is on the line… you know how bad i want this, it’s like you don’t care”

that hurt a lot.. it still hurts. what to do you say to someone you love who says that?? sure, we are both in a shit place right now. i have been working but in areas unrelated to my field. how is that holding me back from real, fulfilling employment? do you get why it would make me depressed to work somewhere that i could have if i had dropped out of high school (for the record, i did and worked VERY hard to change my situation.. i got a fucking master’s degree. go me). i know how bad you want this.. do you also know how bad i want that for you? how i want to give you everything you want and need? how i hate myself because im the reason were are here? and how bad i want to be working? im depressed and alone in a house i am uncomfortable in. that’s not a good recipe for mental health. you resent me, i know you do. and i hate that. so how should i feel? i need to feel like i am worth something, like employers will want me… to have any chance at feeling like it’s possible. because right now.. i feel like i have failed. before trying. 

7. “how much money have you made this summer? you would have made more working at a job outside the house” (when i did have one it was a hassle because of the car situation… )

i dont even want to go there. i’ve done our taxes and (if we go there) i have made more than you have these past 7 years. a lot more. so. that’s not fair. do i bring up the past? no thats stupid and immature. why should i compare the now to the time when you had a drug problem and spent A LOT of money. my money. you have quit jobs before that you felt were beneath you, or that you didn’t have the time for because your 1 graduate class was too much to handle. again, this shouldnt be a pissing contest.. but… try working 2 part time jobs (1 of them being a teacher’s assistant for 3 different classes), 3 fulltime grad courses, travellig back and forth to care for your parents, losing one of the parents, and keeping up with bills and all that. try that. i have made money this summer. i told him last night i did and that i had been paying my bills. he got mad and said that;s wrong to think we have separate bills… its not what i meant. i meant my credit card bills. from my purchases. so… what the hell. i havnt been borrowing money from his account to pay my credit card bills, i havent had to.. so that;s all i meant. but point is, i have been making money. and yes, i would have had more if i worked out of the house.. but how would that have happened? i had that job for 2 days. my first day started with a fight… over the car situation and how we’d make it work, so how am i supposed to react to that?

 

8. “you say you love me, but are you even trying to find jobs elsewhere? in kingston? do you care? we need to get out there. what would happen if i checked your history on your computer? how much time are you putting into looking fro work? i dont believe you”

really? i have never been accused of lying or felt that trust was faltering between us. this hurts because it’s not how i feel at all. i want out. i think contemplating suicide as a way to get out of here and end this all holds some weight for how much i want out of here. i HATE it here. i’m miserable. he’s miserable. this house is toxic. i tried to tell him about this before.. i cried to him about it.. all my fears.. but, it wasnt the time to talk because he needed to decompress from work and chill. so.. basically, stop crying because “i love you, im not going anywhere, we will figure it out”. then a few weeks later when it blows up in my face.. its a different story. thinking i dont love him. wow. all of this stress, burden and pain i have about unemployment, depression and everything.. this hopelessness is out of love. i love him and want to live our lifes. we are paused right now and we need to press play.  moving here was a mistake. 

9. “my master’s degree is on the line, i have worked 3 years for that. i want to do my phd. you know that. this is my passion. sorry, it will be another 5 more years for me to get to do what i want. how do you think i feel? im going to be 40 before i ever get my career started. my school punches more weight than most schools in the country….. for the phd im looking overseas we can move to europe or new zealand”

ahh.. me me me me me mee. that;s all i hear you know? i get it, school is important and i want you to have it. i want you to finish it it’s important. i’m just sick of your narcissism. your attack on schools below your current school. especially when you bash your own bachelor degress and that shcool. thats where my education came from.. so how should i  feel about that? less than you? you’re the winner? you have so many goals and dreams… and have you cared to ask me about mine? or inspired me to dream for myself? no. your dreams become my dreams.. and IM FINE WITH THAT… WHEN i can have what i want.. all i want to emotional support. connection. kindness. i want experiences. laughs. love. hugs. i want to build a life with you. fix fences. chase a dog around. save birds that hit windows. i want to do that with you. your dream is important to me. because all i want is to put down roots. and know that if i do get a great job somewhere, i will not want to move. sorry, but no. i would if you got into a school elsewhere with a good funding package, but it’d have to be stellar. because of how long this unemployment fight has gone on.. if i find a job.. its going to take a lot to get me to let go of it.. and i’m not talking money.. im talking trust. trust that it wont resort to what we’re doing now. how you’re talking to me now.

—–

so that is that.

those are the words.

im so exhausted with emotion right now. all i want to do is embrace him i feel like we are losing each other. and that’s not fair. goals are important, but at a price of each other’s happiness? compromise… that’s the key, yet… when i’m desperately trying to change our situation… and just getting told that im doing it wrong, or getting doors slammed in my face (interviews gone bad), then… how do i show that i care still? anyone in this situation would do anything to change it. hell, i even looked at hooker ads for a bit and thought… could i? no. i couldnt do that.

 

anyway.

im going to talk to him tonight. 

i do not want to break up.. if i left right now it be failing the relattionship and a waste of 7 years. i can’t do that. i owe it to my self, 7 years, and to him that i need to talk to him. i need to open up.. and have an uninterrupted conversation. i need him to hear what i have to say.. how i feel. how i have felt all summer.  i needs to know who i am. and then we decide if we fight, or flight.

 

 

 

 

 

3rd post today..this can’t be good

yup. it’s not good.

school is a no go.

 

i got the phone call that crushed my dreams.

the college called to tell me the ministry got back regarding the status of my review. they received it on august 14 (i sent this in on the 23rd or 25th of june…. Mr FAM told me he sent in his stuff shortly after that). the website said 4 weeks… and i was in the priority pile.

 

i found out… it takes 8 weeks. so no decision until oct 9. i can’t move out on the assumption that the oct 9 decision is maybe a yes, and that maybe i’d see funding shortly after. tuition is due sept 30th (1st payment) and 2nd payment is nov 19th. 

so yah, it took everything not to cry. everything to keep it together on the phone. she could tell i was on the verge of spilling my emotions everywhere. she kept apologizing. she asked me to email them ASAP to confirm that i am withdrawing from the program (apparently there’s people on the waitlist… imagine getting that call 5 days before classes start…”CONGRATS YOU’RE ACCEPTED!”!)

i thanked her for all of her help. 

i got off the phone and sobbed. i started to hyperventilate. i emailed my mom and told her. i didnt have it in me to call my fiance at work to break the news then. 

i asked my mom if i could move in… if it came to that. 

so what it all tells me is that Mr.FAM probably lied and said he sent in it, when in reality he procrastinated. i should have gotten the new school to send it in… yet my overpayment was for the 2012/2013 year at my alma mater…. the form said i needed to deal with them.

so because someone fucked the dog on this one… i’m left getting fucked over. someone at osap didnt send me a notice about my overpayment from 2012/2013 until i applied for osap in june 2014. wouldnt it have been better to know about it before this all?

ahhh im so angry., anyway.

my fiance came home and i told him. off the bat he starts yelling. how this news affects him. meanwhile, im in tears because my heart is broken. because i tried to change our situation (again) and it failed… again.

he walked away to get showered and then ignored me. his mom knocked on the door to ask for a ride to get her car/get dinner.

i was in no shape to go out, nor did i want to be in a silent car again, so i stayed. my fiance came home…as if nothing happened. joked around and all that (thats when i know he feels bad for how he acted). 

we went out to pick up some stuff, and he told me that he told his mom everything (i never told her about applying to school,  let alone getting accepted). and how did she react?

stone cold silence. she had nothing to say to him. she changed the subject to talk about her friend who just lost her job. her friend.. laid off. she’s all worried about her friend finding employment. wow… that’s your concern? you show concern over that minutes after your friend tells you this… meanwhile… i have been hating myself for this unemployed reason this entire time?? and no words from her. 

she’s truly an ugly person.

my fiance calmed down over the evening. before bed he asked the question ive asked all summer.. what are we going to do. he realizes that we cant do it… we dont even have furniture. (no couches/chairs/desks) etc. 

anyway

 

that’s the end of that.

i think im just numb to it all. my eyes are sore from crying all afternoon. i have a pain in my head that feels like a metal baseball bat slugged me in the coconut.

this morning when i was making my fiance’s lunch i nearly blacked out in the kitchen. no idea if that’s from the stress or what. i started getting dizzy, ringing in my ears, i got very cold and clammy and i had to lie down. i managed to get on the floor without falling. that scared me a bit. that’s exactly what my mom described when she had a similar incident when she was 29 years old. im that age now. that’s the age my mom had her first heart attack.

balls

 

 

 

 

people on my shit list

Real tweets from people about OSAP:

“Only getting $1000 in Osap how am I even supposed to buy liquor?!?!?”

“could be hammered somewhere on flemming right now getting warmed for frosh but nope. osap fucked me”

“The moment when you just realize that with OSAP and the money the school is giving you your first year is 65$…”

“Waking up with an insane amount of money in my bank account for school that isn’t even from OSAP! Thanks Papa :)”

“Imma spend all my osap money on clothes”

“DADDY’S PAYING MY OSAP YAAAAAS that makes me happy–“

“Shoutout osap for funding my gambling addiction lol”

“first thing I’ll buy w my osap is sims 4″

 

i am so frustrated right now.

where is my sunny day? im exhausted. my life has been a downhill spiral into depression, grief, sadness, failure, disappointment, heartache,low self-esteem, broken confidence, crushed dreams, heavy shoulders, bottling up emotions, 1 step forwards=8 steps backs… since november 2011.

enough’s enough. my spirit is broken.

i have nothing. i am nothing.

at least the cat likes me today. he’s curled up on the chair beside me. he only likes me because my fiance isn’t here. when he’s home.. i’m invisible to the cat…

 

 

 

 

 

and it starts..

i knew it, i called it, i fucking foresaw this.

i knew the fights would begin. the ones that terrify you. the ones that make you so frozen in fear about whether or not you have the courage to walk away from something almost 7 years in the making.

yup, fiance and i are fighting. no surprises as to what its about.

him: what the fuck are we going to do? is there anyone you can call at osap? what the fuck. you need to be in class in 5 days? dont they care? how are we going to move? that’s not enough to find an apartment rent a truck, pack up and get settled..etc.

me: i know. im trying everything i can. i called people i should have and i have two financial aid managers contacting the ministry on my behalf. their hands are tied.

him: im physically sick with the stress. what the fuck are we going to do. i cant do my thesis from here. DO YOU WANT TO SPEND ANOTHER YEAR WITH HER?? (the mom).

me: silence. this is where i’m fucking pissed. he decided to begin the fight after i told him i found out that im still in the queue. he paused this fight until we were 2 minutes away from picking his mom up at the car dealership where we followed her. thats the 3rd time we have fought before that dealership (just saying)

im so angry. i have tried to talk to him about this before. all of his fears he’s screaming at me… those are ones that i have had.. back in fucking april. back when i was in tears as to whether i should apply to go back or not. in tears about whether it was the right choice… and whether i had his support and if my own heart was in it. 

this whole process has been resting on my shoulders. my fiance can be the most unsupportive selfish person ever. like… no time for my emotions.. stop crying about whatever’s wrong with you because things are so much worse for me because my thesis proposal is stupid, my paper is blah, i work at a shitty job, etc.. it’s a endless pissing contest with him. which is bullshit. ive tried to address this so many fucking times in our fights but… my words are just words… screamed out at his back because he always leaves the room because “he doesnt have time for this”.

he can get his words in and i cannot.

after i send my hardship review in (july 23rd i believe) i was very nervous. i got depressed. the doubt set in and i started to have some seriously scary thoughts. i had plans for what i would do if this didnt work (move home with mom, or something more dark and suicidal). ive never thought of death as a way out before..ever in my life.. but with the pile upon pile of crap that life has dealt me since 2011.. i’m at my wits end. i have no hope, im tired of trying, i’m tired of getting lectures instead of a listening ear, im tired and exhausted. my self-esteem is shot. i believe i fail before i even try (ya ya yaya i know.you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take). im still trying… but…  with the mindset that i already know the outcome..unemployment, unhappiness, failure.

i talked to my fiance about this all. i cried to him. and he really comforted me. but, that comfort came at a price of a lecture in…okay stop crying, im not going anywhere, you havent disappointed anybody, this house is poison, i can’t imagine being here all day by yourself going through this all (he was here when he was trying to pick himself up after a nasty breakup…same time that his dad left his mom for some lady in south america..)

then….the lecture. lets stop crying..its friday night…it’s time to relax. i had a hard week at work and i just want to decompress and chill with you. 

he’s also used the “decompress and chill” speech if i get too chatty on a work night. so, i keep everything to myself, and onto wordpress. i dont even have friends i open up with to. im 29 and last year was the 4th time in my life that i cried on a friend’s shoulder. i dont count the first 3 because they were all related to my parents health stuff…. so it was all expected. anyway. bottling this all in sucks. working through this hardship review on my own sucks. my fiance pissed me off a few weeks ago when he was verbata-ing a conversation he had with his boss (regarding when he’d be quitting to move to the city for school..). my fiance told him that i was still waiting on whether i got in or not. this whole time he thought i was waiting on that. i told him i was accepted… i showed him the fucking letter, i weighed the pros and cons of accepting the offer…and looking back… he got snippy in that moment and said he just wanted to see me happy and doing what i love, and if going back to school was that then he’d support it. he had no idea what i included in my hardship review. i started to tell him, but he probably interrupted me to tell me he was busy. when i do the same thing… he throws a tantrum fit and walks away. 

so yah, as i write this out, i see that my relationship is truly a pile of dysfunctional garbage. but i love this garbage pile 7 years in the making.

i just want to change our scenery and life. i want us to be happy because i know that will be the best time of our lives. this fucking part of the chapter is pure shit, and im a terrible character to be in it. i have no strength left to it to the end.

i wish i did. i love him, i truly do. sue me if you want, tell me i’m dumb, but whatever. i know he’s a good man. and im a good chick. this house has poisoned us. his mother has poisoned us. this situation has poisoned us.

i wish we had stayed up north. i could have had a year of work experience behind me. i could have had money saved up. we could have been happier. we moved because he wanted to do his classes on campus. that didn’t happen and we stayed at his mothers.

it’s so funny, i remembering packing up to move here and being so firm through my tears that this was temporary.. as in.. 2 weeks… max. as in… im going to find a job in 2 weeks so we ccan get the fuck out of here. probably the most stupid idea i ever had.

fuck i hate everything right now. im hating on my country, my province, my gender, my relationship, my family, my face (the stress has made me ugly all over again…seriously 29 years old and i look like a cross between a pizza face 15 year old boy and a meth addict)

i keep thinking about a thing i have done all summer…people tell me im an awesome fiance for doing it… i wake up every day..7am to make my fiance his lunch. i know he hates mornings, so i do this as an act of kindness. love. special mojo. 

anyway, i dont do this because he’s asked me to… when i worked full time he’d stay in bed still 1-2pm. yes. true story. id be working 8:30-4, and have class from 7-10 twice a week. i’d work on my other job until 2am and then go to bed and wake up at 6:30am. 

i do the lunches thing because i believe its a punishment to myself, by myself because i am a piece of disappointing shit. in my eyes, if i start my day off nice doing nice things…something good this way comes. especially when im a failure… a disappointment. its me apologizing to everyone for being such a fuck up.. such a weird concept and thought.. it’s probably flawed.. yep, its flawed.

anyway, to the first point of the story. this car drop off with his mom adventure happened at 8pm. on a work night… today was a hot one..41degrees out and he works in the direct sun. he was tired, had just fought with me.. and we hadnt had dinner yet. we were going to do dinner out, but… he got all pissy. the mom didnt know what to do..just kept repeating that question and i said i didnt care. because i dont. so he did a mini tantrum and decided to go home because NO ONE HAS ANY INPUT AS TO WHERE WE ARE GOING.

whatever fuck.

he HAD just said that he was physically sick from the stress and was not hungry. so, i can eat at home, so can his mother… why eat out when its that late and on a work night?

anyway.. stupid.

the drive home was in silence. no one said a word. his mom thanked him for the ride when she unlocked the frontdoor,( we have a separate entrance). 

he said maybe 3 words to me and then went to bed. no good night or anything, just lights out. i said goodnite and silence replied.

i hate this all so much…and its as if he treats me in a way that im not bothered by this all. if he let me talk about this he’d know how much i am scared about this. how these were all fears that started IN APRIL … fears that i have choked on all summer by myself. 

but no. trying to talk about this all makes me cry.. and as soon as the tears come, he flips out and says i need help because im depressed.

anyway.

 

things that would be amazing right now:

1. food (im fucking hungry now.. i wont eat anything though… dont want to wake him up)
2. the contract im working on goes well… as in… i hope the coordinator gets back to me with positive feedback on what i have sent her..(id hate to see her say.. hmm no… you’re off target.. im going with someone else…)
3. OSAP emails me right now and tells me YES… and that some philanthropic miracle man calls me and tells me that he’s rented me an apartment for the year and bought me a couch 
4. that my fiance would hug me more
5. that i wake up without a face full of ugly
6. that today is actually august 9th and there’s still time to get osap news and move
7. that id wake up happy tomorrow (same for my fiance) OR that i dont wake up tomorrow. hey, if i have an embolism in my sleep, it’d be a no biggie… accidents happen
8. his mom stops calling us every day to ask us about dinner/what she’s doing that exact moment/her plans (WE DONT FUCKING CARE)
9. his mom stops making dinner (dont feed us, we have our own food and its not brown/fried)

anyway. blah… i have rambled for the past hour i think..

should probably go to bed now…

 

 

 

 

 

still in the OSAP queue

wow. OSAP you’re so fucking slow at what you do. and this pisses me off for 2 reasons.

1. this application on hold that my hardship review is for.. is for sept 2014-aug 2015. meaning that, it’s for a program that starts in ONE FUCKING WEEK. meaning that, we have not moved to the city yet because we need the guarantee that i will be getting funding. so…what the fuck? it’s been more than a month… and that’s the time it takes for your average appeal process.. I’M APPARENTLY IN THE PRIORITY QUEUE!!!!! (Mr. FAM called me and told me that they got back to him and that i’m still in the god damned queue)

2. reason 2… it seems to me that you’re understaffed… GROSSLY understaffed. i keep searching twitter feeds for people posting and bitching about OSAP problems. you have people on hold for hours…. (longest time i saw was 3 hours and 20 minutes). there’s people who have 15 callers ahead of them. SO… why aren’t you hiring? THIS WHOLE stress of mine (deciding to go back to school to get something employable, finding out this OSAP restriction bullshit) COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED… if  you’re hire some people. LIKE ME. seriously. what the fuck.

if i get the news today or tomorrow… that gives us the weekend to find a place. do we go out and find places and come back and hope for the phone call that we have been approved and then take our shit? OR do we show up with our shit? apparently, a friend of the family’s brother lives near the city we are going to we could park a uhual there. maybe.

anyway. fuck fuck fuck fuck.

the coordinator for the program emailed us all today. there’s 38 people in the program. 2 of them males. that’s too much bitchy vagina for me. girls are bitches. where’s the  balance?

its hard for me to make new friends. very hard. mature students usually have kids and i can’t relate to that. younger students.. these freshman babies are 10-12 years younger than me. so… i’m like a boring old sister, or overprotective mom… (“are you really going to the bar tonight? we have a test tomorrow. didnt you say u were broke? booze costs $$$ you know”)

anyway. blah.

i have pulled off the impossible before. i cleaned the family home and packed it up and moved my mom to her new place. i had SOME help from my sister (who was unpacking her shit at her new place… even when mom was on a deadline). im glad i was there, they needed me. i had random kijiji people take away some junk, i had a friend borrow her mom’s truck and we did dump runs, hazard waste disposal and large item moving to my sister’s place together. 29 years of a house, all cleaned and packed up in 10 days. my parents were packrats.. i found my dad’s resume from like… 1986… i found grocery receipts from the early 90s… yah, weird. if i can do all of that then… i can do this now. I JUST NEED TO KNOW that osap is a go.

this information is vital and i must have it in next 24 hours. 

if not…i will start voodooing the shit out of osap. 

hahaha

 

am i naive and stupid?

Well, am i naive and stupid? because i still think there’s a chance this will all work out? that i will get approved, and the process will be seamless? that my fiance and i will move everything out to the city… that we can afford a move, that we will survive a move again? that we will find a place? and be approved asap? that we will get utilities hooked up no problem… that we will find clean cheap furniture…no problem. that we will not fight during this all? that i will be able to afford textbooks for 10 classes?

i am so ridden with stress and anxiety right now, i dont know if i want to shit my pants, puke, cry, or break stuff.

my fiance has called home every day… on his lunch break, or wayyyy before it… to see if i have heard anything yet. the answer is always… No. nothing… and its not for a lack of trying… i keep calling.. leaving voicemails (pretty sure i have annoyed the financial aid manager at my alma mater and that’s why he hasn’t returned my calls and emails for 4 days now..)

my fiance then screams all of the obvious’. everything that i can see (im not blind). i know that its august 25th. i know that time’s a ticking. i know that this is bullshit. the questions… WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO??? is a constant worry of mine. SO IF THIS DOESNT WORK OUT WE ARE STUCK HERE FOR ANOTHER YEAR?…. thats also a fear of mine… hence why i have been snippy and bitchy this past week. HAVE YOU BEEN APPLYING TO JOBS?  um yes, doofus. i never quit the job hunt…  it’s been a parallel journey with this school idea… school was always plan B in case i didn’t find work in the city.. and wow… plan A hasnt happened and plan B… eat shit.

and im no procrastinator in this. ive kept to this… with total hope and determination.

april 23rd- email discussion & questions sent to the program coordinator

april 25rd- applied to the program

april 30- letter mailed confirming application

may 6- waitlisted

may 6- applied for bursaries/scholarships for the fall (through the school)

june 11- offer of admission

june 12- accepted offer

june 12- applied for osap, estimate of $18400.

june 14- osap status updated to restricted from receiving OSAP, called the college and they said it was for an overpayment for the years 2009-2010 and 2012-2013. i called the college and they asked if i received a letter regarding this overpayment.. this was news to me (my shock and colourful language would reflect that)…they issued me another letter and told me the instructions would be in it. all they said was that i owed 5970 before my current application could be processed

june 16- called osap… told me to call my alma mater

june 16- called alma mater..got frustrated at the secretary’s attitude (same pissy attitude they have had for over 10 years- left message, didnt hear back)

june 18- received the official letter telling me about this overpayment (first time my eye have ever seen it!.. i would have remembered such a letter and freaked about it!)

june 20-july 1- go home to visit my mom (hadn’t been since i moved her into her new place). tried to get the courage to ask her to borrow this 5970 to get the osap application on the go. i chicken out.

july 3- EMAIL my questions to the financial aid manager at alma mater

july 3- financial aid manager (im going to call him Mr FAM now) gives me two options- a hardship review, and a recalculation of my income. provides me with LOTS of info and research he’s done

july 4th- i email and call my mom about this money idea… she’s nervous about it and says okay

july 4- receive notice of CRA assessment for 2013 and notice that the income is WAY off.. i made 4651 in 2013 and this one says 10651… totally wrong. so i fixed this online.

july 6th- my mom changes her mind (no worries at all, i felt like an asshole for even asking her in the first place)

july 7- Mr FAM requests the forms I need to get my income for 2013 reassessed. he decides to wait to submit my hardship review until this reassessment of income is done

july 8- i call student finances at the college and explain that i’m in the middle of a hardship review for osap and need to defer my tuition payment… (due on the 10th of july). they approve this and i make the $250 payment (so i thoiught) to get OSAP deferred. turns out it was 90 bucks for deferral.

july 15- email Mr FAM in a panic because the form hasn’t arrived yet

july 21- email Mr FAM and tell him the form arrived finally! i forward him the completed form (reassessment copy from CRA; my hardship review letter; a timeline of caring for my parents -flight info, etc; my dad’s obituary and funeral info; my detailed job hunt for 2013 & 2014; my resume; my research about this program i want to take… KPI info, osap default rates, graduation rates, etc).

july 23- Mr FAM emails me and says he hasn’t finished his paper work on this yet, so he will get to it ASAP

july 25- Mr FAM confirms he’s sent away my case (i thank him profess my undying gratitude and appreciation)

aug 8- I email Mr FAM and ask him if there’s a number i can call to get an update.. he says NO.. he emails them on my behalf to get an update (usually in 48 hours he says). then he’s like im out of town till thursday (the 14th)

aug 14- i email him to get an update.. get an autoreply back that he’s not there till the 18th

aug 18- i email him and ask him if he’s heard anything.. he replies back No, emails them again and expects a response in 48 hours

aug 20- i call him, email him

aug 21- i call him and email him

aug 22… same day before..

aug 25… today. call and email him. i called and left a message with a chair person on the appeal board for OSAP (go info… you can find any ontario office number!!). no word yet from that lady (doubtful as they hate when people call them… experience with that when my fiance called the director of the program to get info on why he hadn’t heard anything in over 3 months on his application… guy wasn’t happy with his staff or with the fact that my fiance found his number online… asked where he found it.. haha). i also left a voicemail and emailed the financial aid manager at the college to see what she says..  she’s sent the ministry a note as well… i know she is rooting for me.

from the osap website:

Acknowledgement of Receipt

The OSAP Appeal Board will review your appeal to determine if all the necessary documents have been provided. If your submission is incomplete, you will be sent a letter indicating the documentation that is required. Once all the information has been supplied, a letter of acknowledgement will be sent to you as well as to your financial aid office.

(have not received this yet.. nor has the financial aid office i worked with)

Timing of Hearings

Appeals are normally considered within thirty days of receipt of a complete appeal submission.

(pretty sure its been 30 days)

Decision Notice

You will be notified, in writing, about the board’s decision within seven business days of the date of the decision.

(so… when its too late?)

so yes, time’s a ticking and i have done everything in my power to get things done as soon as i could.

osap… why do you move like molasses on a february day on baffin island??

my life is on the line here…. and there’s no one on your end that i can call and talk to to get REAL answers.